M.O.T.H.E.R.: Rebuilding the Monster

by Kenneth Burch

Strange as it may seem, I hate upgrading.

There are about 1001 things I enjoy doing more then upgrading my computer. For example, I'd rather take a pair of pliers and yank out my toe nails, before upgrading my computer. I'd rather pick up a lollipop covered in ants and eat it, before upgrading my computer. In short, there are tons of things I'd rather do besides upgrading my computer. So when the time came to upgrade, it was like being sued.

What has got me, and still does is how fast this technology moves in this ever changing hobby. One day your just humming along enjoying your system and low and behold, your shit is fucked, not worth the metal used to make it. There are lots of people that enjoy fucking around with their systems people like Rolph and Kevin, actually jerk off when needing to upgrade. Some people like Jack, while not ready to upgrade, will grab at his pants should the itch start to tingle. Me, I fucking hate it, I hate everything about upgrading, always had and always will.

So, when the time came to look for a new motherboard for Roe's computer named “Thunder” I went to work logging into the millions of web pages that sold these kinds of items. Places like Newegg, Buy.com, PC Toys and a shitload of others that I have no intention of listing because I don't feel like writing, let alone typing. These places offer everything for the hobbyist in your life to browse and select. You can click on enough shit, high end shit that would land you in the poor house if you're not careful.

As I've said, I hate upgrading, but while looking around I couldn't help notice the many changes and prices for high end products. Now, everyone knows I play Everquest II aka The Q . I've been playing this game for 5 years and love it dearly! Ask anyone who knows me, family included (winks at sister).

I can't tell you how much I enjoy playing the game because I'm fearful you'll deem me insane, if you haven't already.

So when I started looking for Roe's motherboard, I hadn't a clue it would land me in the upgrade slot for 2008. I was checking for a motherboard that would accept a 478 socket CPU (don't know what that is, don't worry not important to the story). I found that time had jumped right over my fucking head while my face was buried in the Q. Machines had went from being fast to Super fast in what I considered a short time.

Chipsets and video cards were now faster then my whole computer, so it seemed. I was also looking at the prices, which tend to cost about the same as a small town in the Midwest. I was watching YouTube videos where people were doing crazy shit in order to keep cool these beast of machines. In my day, a simple fan kept things going, now these motherfuckers are using liquid nitrogen to keep cool a chip burning 5x its normal run speed. Then theres a flow of geeks, hell bent on modifying their computer cases with bright blue lights and decals of flames. They even use clear plastic sides, so you can see their Big Blue Lights (BBL)!

So here I am trying to figure out the best way to handle the current situation my hunting buddy finds herself in. I'm checking all the pages and trying like hell to find someone out there selling a 478 socket CPU motherboard. It's kind of like looking for a Beta Hi-Fi machine, say 5 years ago. Page after page of 775 socketed boards from around the fucking world, but little or no real 478. As faith would have it, I soon and finally for my sins found one. It's a 478 socket CPU board and its within range, price range that is. I quickly order it and await its arrival. Days pass, it comes. We place the board inside “Thunder” and low and behold, it doesn't work! Fuck! As to the whys and hows, who the fuck knows! So we take the board over to my friend Jack. Jack is one of those people who finds himself working on a lot of machines. He's self taught and has his shit pretty well together, and a lot more together then my ass when it comes to this shit. So, one day I pick up Rosey Posey along with “Thunder” and we head over to Jack's place.

We open the side of the case and watch Jack do his thing. He pokes around and plugs in the machine. More poking around and more plugging in the machine. A few scratches of the head and yet more poking around. We couldn't get the damn thing to post. There could have been one of many reasons why.

It could be because the motherboard was fucked, or one of Rolph's favorite: It's was made in China!

In any event, Jack couldn't help us that day, here comes the clouds. We were heading back to Roe's place with question marks floating about our heads. We decided to grab lunch at a Chinese place in Northfield. While there, we met a strange guy who along with a scale, weighed all his food. I couldn't help but watch him, seeing that he kinda made a big deal out of it. Knowing me as you do, I asked. The stranger responded that he had an eating disorder that caused him to eat until he burst. After a few AA meetings, I mean EAT meetings his doctors put him on this special way of life diet that caused him to weigh out all his food intake. We talked for about 15 minutes, before I got bored with the man and wanted to leave, Roe was out smoking.

As we made our way to the car, I spotted a Sprint Phone shop that also worked on computers. I went inside and met another guy. This one didn't weigh his food, I'm guessing, but he did repair computers and thats all I needed to know. He was Asian and wore glasses that for some reason kept sliding off the bridge of his nose. We talked for a bit, chatting about computers and their games. We talked about his prices too. Hey, I'm no fool there was a budget to consider here. He said he would look at “Thunder” and poke around, letting us know what he found. We got back into the car and headed to my place. I had forgotten the guy's name.

Now, here's where we will have to speed up the line of events. Theres' way too much shit that had gone down and to be honest, I really don't feel like writing it all down. Some of you were there and thats good enough for me.
Back at the house, we go online checking for other motherboards hoping to hear from the Asian guy soon.

He had told us about a day and figured two days would do it. This was not to be. 5 days later, nothing.

One week after dropping off the computer, we still had no answers. We called the guy and although I was talking to him on the phone, I could still see him pushing up those glasses as he talked. He still had no answers and only pointed to things like CPU failure or memory and motherboard. Great, a new fucking motherboard made in China and the guy is telling me it might be bad, oh brother someone shoot me.

Days turn into weeks and I find myself thinking about newer and more updated motherboards for Thunder.

I'm looking at the new stuff, and looking at the new stuff and really looking at the new stuff. I'm putting together in my head this board and that chip and this memory with that card and so on. I'm adding up prices and looking some more. And its here when it hit me. I'll upgrade MOTHER and pass off my system to Roe. This way she'll have a working class system and I'll have a reason to open a vein.

I decided on getting some really nice shit, this time. I didn't want to just squeeze by on the system and find myself back behind the eight ball in a year or so. I wanted, for once in my life, to build a system that will stand the test of time, even if its only for 5 years! So, I decided to research, and research and more researching. When I got tired of researching, I rubbed my eyes, took a shower and started all over again. Page after page of shit from here and more shit from there. I concluded that “Newegg” was the best place for me. I bookmarked what I wanted and awaited the right time to order it. I had even thought about one place where they would build your system for you and ship it to you. IBUYPOWER.com should you want to check it out. Nice prices there, but there was always something missing, like a beautiful woman with a perfect body but really nasty ass teeth. So Newegg became my tall place of order.

Stay with me here, as events will now move rather quickly.

We call the guy at the store and he tells us he thinks it's the chip, not the new motherboard from China. He had trouble checking the chip because it's a 478 socket and most of his customers have 775 chip sets, go figure all. He later tells us the chip was fine and that the motherboard was grounded out in the case.

Now the fucking thing would post and work, except the motherboard uses a EIDE connection from the hard drive and Roe's hard drive is SATA. (don't even think about me writing about the difference)

I set the date for ordering my new system and all is a go. I set on an Asus motherboard “Striker II Extreme and an Nvida (EVGA version) GTX-280 video card. I tag on an Intel E8600 Duo core chip and go with 4 gigs of ram and lastly a 500 gig hard drive.

Issues surrounding whether or not to use XP or Vista, come to surface.

I'm surfing the internet one morning in September when I catch a virus. A window pops up informing me to install Windows XP Antivirus program, for a small fee of $39.95. I do it, I'm fucked. It was a scam and I fell for it, balls and all. Jack informs me the next morning and after work, we contact Bank of America Online and Karen tells me, she's got it. “No problem Mr. Burch, I've canceled your card removed the charge, including the one from PETCO dog supply (King has been dead for over 30 years) and I'm sending you out another card, it's okay Mr. Burch.” she said. I however, wanted to marry her if only for one night.

I struggle with the type of hard drive as the date comes near. So many types with different speeds and shit, driving me crazy. The chip and board are rock solid and I check for price drops. Hey I can hope can't I?

We call the guy at the store and tell him to button up Thunder, we're coming down to pick it up. We stop off only to find Thunder and no guy. No worries, we pay the woman in charge $30.00 and after thanking her for nothing, we head back out. At this point, Thunder is getting new innards.

Back on the internet, we're once again checking out our selected items and looking for reviews. Our only connection to the Q comes from MOTHER.

One morning while on my way to work, my water temp light in my car goes off. I quickly pull over and notice that my coolant compartment is dry. I refill it and after closing the hood, head back on the road leading to Borgata, now running five minutes behind schedule. I pull into the employee parking garage just in time to notice that the light has once again come on. FUCK! I will have to deal with this shit later.

The road home that day sucked. I had only a little coolant left and I knew somewhere deep in my soul that this wasn't good. Oddly enough, all I could think about is how much this may delay me ordering my new system. Now theres a scary thought huh? I make it home, but need to refill again. One more day of work and I'm off for 3 days. Will need to see about this.

There's a buzz about Intel's new chips coming out next year. I have to tell you the thought crossed my mind that maybe the chip I wanted would drop in price. I decided that the thought was hardly worth giving to much to and brushed it aside, thinking theres always something new coming out. Live for the day motherfucker!

Thinking about my power supply now, wondering if Jack was right. That maybe I should replace it.

Well, okay what the fuck. We hit the super highway in search of a newer power supply, hello Newegg.

Back again I am.

The Q has announced some of the new concept and features coming up in the 5 th expansion! Man do they sound hot! Feeling giddy, I must admit. It's short live however as my mind focuses on the recent car problem and the ten gallons of water I put in the damn thing.

I make my to Bob's in Somers point. Cost me nearly 5 gallons of fucking water and $10 in gas. I speak with Bob at K&B Auto. These guys are a family business where Volkswagens are king. It's a heater coil and that means the coil is about $60.00 and $1280.00 to install. Oh Nellie! There is no fucking way this boy is paying for that, not this fucking close to buying my new system. Bob tells me he could jump the coil out, but I would never have heat in my car again, ever. I think about this for about 30 seconds and tell Bob to do it, jump the bitch out and send me on my way. Hey, it's my car and my black ass that will freeze this winter, not yours. So shut the fuck up!

Work is work and blah, blah, blah. Same old shit, broadcasting from the same old people. And they tell me to get a life!

Weather is warm, like summer and less than Fall. The economy is number one with a bullet on most people's mind. I however could care less, like there really is a reason to worry. Like doing so will change anything. As for a shitty 700 billion dollar bailout? Well what the fuck, can I vote “NO” to that?

Nope, and the payment goes through as the world continues to turn.

“Bending rays of light catch the ceiling and bounce downward striking me upon my face and body. Heat lays about me, turning my thoughts outward and away from me, out of control. I tremble within as the horrors of my past, quickly make their way towards my surface and break layers of skin forming sweat that later bleeds. She is standing there in the middle of the room, an axe in hand. “For me my dear?” I ask, the now afternoon light surrounding us. “But of course my love” she replies and lifts the blessed thing, striking me to my end.”

Plans within plans unfold as I toss the idea of gutting MOTHER and transferring all but her hard drive and case over to Thunder. I'm a week away from ordering now, why not?

I had thoughts of videoing the event and maybe transferring the results after editing to disc, where it would later appear in segments on Kevin's Website. I had gone as far as to recharge the damn thing, but in the end, scrapped the idea. Plans went into effect and the guts of MOTHER were removed and placed inside Thunder, operation successful.

We take Thunder home and boot him up, all is well, life is good. Roe has been offline for two months poor kid needed a break. As for me, I pick up an old Stephen King book and read, ordering date is a week away.

One afternoon, Roe and I head over to Kevin's place (Club 64) to interview what I call “The world's most celebrated gamer”. The man himself as we would have it was relaxing at home, enjoying his favorite brew of choice. He was feeling a bit good that day and that was perfect. The building inspector had come by and gave him his blessings. With video camera rolling, I asked him questions. In the end, we managed a whole hour of conversations related to gaming and computers..... Priceless!

Jack sends me lots of email, promoting “Windows Vista”. All kinds of information about the system itself and what one could do with it. Theres even a video where Microsoft gathers everyday Joes in a room and claim to be showing them, a new operating system named “Mojave”. Moments later the people are acting as if its the greatest thing since sliced bread, some even claim to have seen Jesus!

It's then that the people at Microsoft reveal that the new system is really Vista and the point is, Vista is great, Vista is good, Vista is you....Well, you know what I mean.

More questions from Jack about where and when, and from who I will order my system from.

Kevin calls to ask how the system is going and I laugh out loud, before telling him I'll order everything in about 3 days.

Roe is enjoying The Q and thats a good thing, I check in on her and discover that she has pushed one of the speakers to the side, it's now behind the monitor. How are you going to get good Left and Right separation there Rosey Posey? I fix it.

Jack tells Wilkins that I'm going to have withdrawal soon, and expect my behavior to change drastically.

I'm guessing he's thinking about the clawing at the walls kind of stuff, along with the foaming of the mouth and over frequent masturbation sessions. I never foamed at the mouth.

I took a break from reading one day and decided to do what the World seems to think I should be doing. You know, being a normal person getting up in the morning turning on the television and washing clothes and cleaning house, talking on the phone and watching more T.V and going to the mall and talking on the phone and watching T.V and cleaning the house and talking on the phone and going to visit someone and while there, watch some T.V and maybe talk on the phone and watch them wash clothes, or talk on the phone, and maybe watch some television......Fuck That! The moment one of my friends, live a life of true adventures, like climbing mountains, hot air ballooning, race car driving, rebuilding a house or hiding secret documents from the government in exchange for serious cash, give me a call. Until then, shut the fuck up about my hours online. I can promise you, your spending the same amount of time sitting there with your thumb up your ass, watching television, and washing clothes.

Launch date has arrived! With items bookmarked and me finally deciding on which hard drive to go with, we place our order with Newegg....Weeee!

With the word “OEM” almost haunting me, I settle on retail for everything. Don't start in on me about how I could have saved money and all that shit. I was going rebuild M.O.T.H.E.R and the last thing I wanted was some fuck up because I didn't have a part I needed or some prepackaged CD of drivers were missing. I ordered and that's that.

Before I could say “Jack Rabbit Slims” I had received tracking numbers for UPS. Invoices came soon after and I was already feeling well, happy. I had talked with Roe about video taping me building MOTHER and had charged up the camcorder. The Cam was lite as hell, but figured if Roe got tired of holding it, I was use me fancy tripod from back in the day. Kinda like that phrase “Me fancy” has a real European ring to it, doesn't it?

I come home from work to find boxes in the living room with my name on them.....FUCK! I must admit that at this point, I was trying to keep this whole deal from me wife (phrase again). I mean I really didn't want to hear any shit about why I needed to upgrade to begin with. She wouldn't understand that I needed to. She also wouldn't understand how I could spend $1700 dollars on myself and not buy her something as well....Women, can't live with them, can't kill them outside Montana.

Wednesday comes! I'm so happy I could almost pee on myself! I can't wait to get the fuck out of work. I watch everyone on the job moving in S L O W M O T I O N and as God would have, I'd shot everyone of those motherfuckers if they didn't move their asses. Didn't they know what day this was?

Didn't they even care? Oh well, didn't have a gun or bullets, so harsh language will have to do.

Relax, I'm only joking.

Have you ever planned on a date with a woman, where you went out of your way making everything nice? You pick out the perfect place and buy a nice shirt and pants. Order flowers and select the right restaurant. You prepaid the hotel where you hope to spend most of the night banging your back out of shape and you even took one of those 90 minute showers where afterwards you shaved and cleaned your ears? You've even spent the day washing and waxing the car, adding one or two of those new car scented trees for extra effect. With everything in order you head out to pick her up. When she gets in the car, you can smell her perfume and feel your dick growing in your pants. You sit at the traffic light glancing at her legs and smile. You want her, you need her, you must have her now. You pull over to some deserted spot in the woods and fuck her in the car. No restaurant, no flowers, no hotel with clean white cotton sheets. You bang her and her you right in the backseat of you recently clean car. Breaking all the rules and having fun.

I didn't pull out the video cam, and set a blanket across the dining room table. I cranked up the lights and sat an empty case which was MOTHER upon it and after opening boxes, started to build. I put in screws that would later mount the motherboard. I pulled out the motherboard and after looking at it, froze. Panic gripped and me and I started getting that metal taste in my mouth. It's that taste that says, you've fucked up kid, in over your head you are. Want to start crying now, or should I call your mommy?

The only real hero there was Rosey Posey. She was looking at the motherboard and the instruction manual and back at me. She was able to clear the fact that despite the extra shit, that came with the motherboard that is was neither the less, just a motherboard. All those extra items like special adapters and additional plugs like pipe fittings should I decide to water cool (rolls eyes at Kevin) were nothing to worry about. Stick with the program and remain focus, is what she was thinking. I remember her saying that “Well, all this extra stuff is only if your overclocking, your not so set it aside. Whats left is a plain motherboard, you can handle that.” And with those words, we started. During my frozen state of panic, I picked up the phone and called “Seahawk”. Steve, the owner wasn't there and the call was never completed. Good for me, bad for Steve.

After placing the motherboard inside the case, we checked to make sure that no metal was touching the back plate. We had mounted the chip and heatsink, along with memory and hard drive. Now came the video card....I mean “The Video Card” .....inside joke there.

With power supply, motherboard....and oh, I mean Motherboard and Chip/CPU and hard drive (can't do hard drive in bold, that would be for say Kevin's Hard Drive coming in at ONE TERABYTE in size. Now thats a big motherfucker! 500 Gigs here, so that will have to do.

Oops....there has been an error in the story........ Breaking News.....KB Just fucked up!

I'll be 47 years old this December and my mind while still twisted and slightly fucked, is not quite what it once was. I seem to forget things sometimes. Not like my car keys, but little things. Like forgetting the fact that my Motherboard, I mean Motherboard , doesn't take the DDR2 memory that I had ordered and received. So production on MOTHER, had quickly come to a fast halt. Lights out, everyone lock up and go home......

Over at Roe's we order new memory and rocket ship that shit out the door of Newegg. God speed!

Before you could say “Oh my God, I can't wait” the email came informing me that the memory had been shipped. And guess what? The next day it was here, shipped from Edison New Jersey along with Roe's newly ordered motherboard....but that my friends, is another story.

Back to MOTHER. The crew had rejoined and lights were placed back on high. We installed the memory and I was getting the jitters again. I'm not too ashamed to admit that when it comes to drivers and motherboards, we panic. I have no problem with installing Windows and loading the programs, but getting to that point scares the shit out of me. I think what does it for me, is that should I fuck up, it would cost me more money, money that I don't have I'm sorry to say.

So with that, we call in the master....I mean The Master.

Rolph was on the phone at the second ring and I laid out to him my problem. I spoke using a combination of panic and delight and about 30 uses of the Fuck word. Don't believe me? Ask him.

Two hours later, Roe and I along with MOTHER who at this moment in time, is in a coma head over to see the man, The Master. We were greeted at the door along with the Pug gang, I mean The Pug Gang! That would be Lenny (or Linnie),Cleo, and Isabella (the secret one). Lenny was happy to see me and I guess if he could talk, would have cursed me out for not coming by sooner. Sorry Lenny, it's all my fault little one, I promise next visit to make it up to you. (smiles)

Rolph takes on look at the system and plugs it in. Roe and I sit back an allow the master, oops Master to work. After Rolph plugs it MOTHER. He throws the switch. I look over to Roe, who's looking at the monitor and I smile feeling good, knowing that at least, I did up to this point right, cock begins to stiffen. Lights and beeps sound off and the whining sounds of internal fans spin quietly. MOTHER opens her eyes and begins to blink.

With a strong heart rate and sweet blood pumping, Rolph goes over everything we had done, checking for connection and wire placement. He looks over everything and for a brief minute, I think I caught him smiling, but you can't be too sure.

Rolph installs Windows Vista 64 bit, thank you Kevin and things really come to life. More rebooting, more resetting and more stiffness in me pants (theres that European phrase again). The monitor blinks and restarts as Rolph (who I sometimes call Ralphie) goes to work, fingers dancing on the keyboard.

Ralph installs the various drivers as Lenny and the gang continue clawing away at my legs for my attention. Theres bleeding down there I think, will have to bandage that later.

MOTHER is pumping now, she's staring at me with a new look of wonder and excitement. She wants to go home now, wants to leave this place for a little quiet time with the man. I have so much stuff to load on her and, wait a minute, that didn't sound right. Let me start again.

MOTHER is running now and I have a lot of things to install, time to say goodbye to our friends and get busy.....Nah, I like the first version better.

The very first thing we do, once home is reconnect to the Internet. We call Comcast and have them walk me though it. Once reconnected, we install the first and most important program in MOTHER........... The Q!

This would take about 20 minutes for the install and another 2 hours for updates! Hey, this game has lots of content, worth every minute.

A cloudy calm comes over me as I consider the annoying journey to get here. All that planing, all the researching and weighing the pros and cons. Can one ever really get what they want? Are we doomed to settle, forever coming up short?

Hours click away as I wait for updates and keep peeking at the hard drive movement light, located on the front of the case. All systems good, everything thing is find....we smile brightly.

PHONE RINGS AT ROE'S:

“Hello”

“Rosey Posey, how does it goesy?”

“Hey, so how is it? You got EQ up and running yet?”

“Hey, hold yourself why don't you. This shit takes some time. I got my connection from Comcast and installed The Q. Waiting for updates now and it looks like I've got about 15 more minutes. I'm really hoping that I'll be popping cream once this fucker lets me in. And yea, I'm feeling really good right now.”

“Well, with all that you put in MOTHER and the cost, it better be running The Q like liquid!”

“Yeah, well, like I told you before, can't see why it shouldn't. In fact, it better or I'm going to start shooting people, starting with myself, no wait, better do other people first. Wouldn't want to leave anyone out....

“Laughs”

“Call you back, checking something...

“Okay”

CLICK.

Downloads and updates completed: We launch, we see, we cum! Soon afterwards, we cum again and again. It hurts, but we keep cumming.....one wet ass night, in The Q.

One week later, we ordered another 4 Gigs of Ram! BAM!

Jack calls me, we talk about the settings and what I need to do to get the most out of Vista.

He tells me about a bunch of shit, I can barely remember about cutting off this and turning down that and clicking off this and stopping that.....how the fuck can I remember all that? He'll have to come over or walk me through this shit. In the mean time, M.O.T.H.E.R Rocks! And The Q has NEVER looked better.........S W E E T A S H E L L!!!

End

There are two kinds of people in the world. One kind enjoys getting their balls rubbed, the other kind enjoys a sweet slap on the ass. These two kinds of people make up my world of friends. My friends are special people to me and some know a lot more about me then others, which is I guess is a statement everyone can make. So when it comes to computers, I have a very special bunch of friends. One who never fails to help me and point me certain directions that are for my benefit. While the upgrade of MOTHER was my idea, not to mention my money, I had lots of help in getting her to the place she is now. Jack was great in helping me on a lot of my earlier ideas and directions.

He was also a great help in letting me in on my most recent virus attack and how I had fucked up on clicking on a pop-up! Thanks Jack, you help me out more then you'll ever know. Then theres the Master. That be Rolph aka “Ralphie. I've known Ralph for like 25 fucking years! Maybe more, hard to tell when your going to be 47 soon and feeling your mind slipping away. Ralph has always been there for me and never fails to go the extra mile in trouble shooting my system, thank you friend.

Then there's my man Kevin. I've known this motherfucker for like 26 or 27 years, he has been a great friend and always there. The fact that he takes out time to not only post my poorly written shit stories, but he even hosts many of them on his website, I don't think I've ever said this, but “Thank you man, thank you so much for believing in me.

Last but never least, is my very, very dear friend Roe. I met Roe a very long time ago when we worked at Tropicana together. She later became my supervisor and soon afterwards my friend. We have been thick as thieves for so very long. She's my hunting and gaming buddy, she's my very dear friend. She's knows more about me then just about anyone except my sister, she's my homegirl. I don't need to tell her how important she is in my life, she already knows....thank you kiddo.

As for you motherfuckers who've taken out so much time reading this, let me say this. You are also special to me. How do you know this? Well, because you got to read it, thats why. That alone tells you you are special and I not only enjoy sharing this part of me with you, I enjoy you as a friend.

There, every pair of balls rubbed, every sweet ass slapped. Now if you'll excuse me, theres a game calling me. Alexia, Avena, Mia and Olarea want to go Trick or Treating. Don't want to keep my girls waiting. Hope you enjoyed the story.

Jazz