Smackdown in Northrend

First, a little background for the mmorpg impaired:


This is Lunariia, she's a gnome mage. Now gnomes, well you know what a gnome is. As for a mage, in World of Warcraft they're distance fighters. They have powerful spells but they're pretty weak and have crappy armor. Mages fight by lobbing fireballs from a distance and hoping they fry you before they can close.

In Lunariia's case, that's what happens. Her nickname is The Mage Tank. You don't want to fuck with her but the good news is that if you do, you won't have to spend the rest of your life regretting it because there won't be a rest of your life.


This is alChandler, the Azeroth edition. He's a paladin. Paladin's are a hybrid class. They can heal, but not as well as a priest. They can also fight, but not as well as a fighter. They're not popular in raiding guilds but if you're a shy fellow like me, they're great. I have a pretty good fighter who can heal himself on the fly.

Except I very seldom remember to heal. Half the time it's Moon who reminds me to use my heal spells.

I never said I was a good paladin, I just said I was a paladin.

Now you have enough to go on.

The other night Lunariia and alChandler were in Kamagua. It's a cold, frozen waste. We were on a quest that involved swimming out in freezing water to talk to some asshole in a boat. We get the quest and then try to figure out how to get back on land. We can't jump onto the pack ice because it's too high. Eventually, I figure out that you have to jump on the fishing nets in front of the pack ice and jump to the ice from there. I make the jump, then turn to see how Lunariia is doing.

Not so well, actually. She kept trying to make the jump but kept coming up short, if you'll excuse the pun. After a bit, I start to loose it. Here's this level 74 mage of doom bouncing up and down in the water. As I'm laughing, Lunariia starts getting pissed. When she finally gets to land she throws down the dueling flag.

We live on a PvE server. That is Player verses Environment. You can only fight the opposing faction if both sides flag themselves as PvP. Dueling is permitted without the PvP flag but only if both sides accept. I don't usually accept, it doesn't interest me. Also, I generally lose. But this was different, this was Lunariia. I couldn't lose face with her, besides, she was pissed. If my comrade in arms wants to blow off some steam by kicking the shit out of me, so be it, she's entitled. So I accept the challenge.

At first it went just like I expected. Lunariia lobbed some devastating spells my way before I could even close with her. In all to short a time I'm down to 1/4 health while Lunariia still has 3/4 of hers. It's looking pretty bad for alChandler.

Remember when I said I always forget to heal? For some reason I remember this time. I pop a healing spell, get gobsmacked by another of Lunariia's spells, heal again, stun her, get in a few licks of my own and realize that Lunariia and I are both at 2/3 health. Thing is, I have mana left for more health spells. But Lunariia has already used a lot of her mojo figuring she'd take me out fast and clean. From my headset I hear Lunariia's battle cry, "No heals! No fair using heals."

I close with her. She still has some mana left, and a powerful spell might have taken me down, but powerful spells take time to regenerate.

Ax strokes don't, you can use 'em anytime. And that's just what I did. When it was over, Lunariia was kneeling before me in the traditional gesture of surrender.

I had defeated her.

There were no hard feelings (Three fucking years and you never use healing spells. Now, all of a sudden you fucking remember? Suddenly you become Doctor Gregory Fucking House?) and we went back to questing.

And that, my friends, is the tale of the one and only time alChandler defeated Lunariia in a duel. It's nice that I get to close out 2008 on a high note.

The End